A Jaw-Dropping Thanksgiving Gift

Ann Coulter broke her vile, Xenophobic jaw- thus giving us a nice moment of silence for the holidays.

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war. "
Ann Coulter

Twilight: Twinkly Vampires and Angsty Teens

First off, I'd like to say that I have indeed read the book by Stephanie Meyers and I have only one comparison between the book and the movie: none. The movie not only followed the book's plot exactly but it also portrayed the characters perfectly, from physical appearance to mannerisms. Which would be a good thing except...

Well, it did so in the worst possible way.

Let me start off with a generalization. Twilight runs much like its target audience: fifteen to sixteen year-old teenage girls. It stamps its feet, it yells, it cries, it even stares at you dramatically from across the room, attempting in vain to get you pay attention and take it seriously. But all the while, you're standing there embarrassed and desperately trying not to laugh. No offense teenie boppers, I was you once: we can't deny it. Much like Twilight can't hide the fact that it is pure fan-girl fodder.

For those of you who haven't read the book, the movie is a love story between Bella, an angsty and rather melancholy seventeen year-old, and the local vampire hottie, Edward Cullen. The two meet after Bella moves to Forks, Washington from Scottsdale, Arizona. Edward saves her life, she falls for him, evil vampire tries to suck her blood, yada yada yada...I won't spoil the end, even though it's quite predictable for those who haven't read the book.

The book itself reads like a typical day of high school for the first half: shitty, dark, and full of apathy. And, as I said earlier, the movie follows suit, with the first hour feeling slow and boring. Bella's (played by Kristen Stewart) open-mouth expressions of innocence and monotone voice suit the character well, but mix that with Edward's (played by Robert Pattinson) heavy breathing, awkward movements and never-ending glare of death and you have comedy. Not a purposeful comedy, but I laughed nonetheless. I just couldn't take Bella or Edward's angst and emotion seriously because it was so stereotypically teenager, done in the most hollow way possible. Bella's loud sighs of frustration along with her and Edward's “staring contests” in which they look longingly into each other's eyes for thirty seconds while I watch was just too much. But like I said: this is all true to the book. So really, at least for fans, nothing could be more brilliant.

What the fans are probably blissfully ignoring at this point (or they could just be blissfully ignorant) is the fact that every character, save for Bella and Edward, is nothing but a shallow representation of the characters in the book. Realize that I liked the book mainly for its characters so I'm being quite fair with this. The Cullen family is the most shallow set of characters (next to Bella's high school buddies) in the entire film, which was a huge disappointment to me since they are my favorite characters, although physically they look perfectly twinkly and beautiful (I never got the whole “twinkly” skin thing either...so gay, and not the fabulous kind of gay). Like I said, shallow representations: Rosalie is a complete bitch, Alice is a not nearly as sinister as she should be, Esme is typical mom, Jasper says two words, Emmett is (almost) a jock deusche, and Carlisle...well, I liked Carlisle, because he had more substance than the others. Even Edward doesn't have nearly the amount of dimension he had in the book, but he had just enough to make me like him. Just not by much.

From a movie goers stand-point, dialogue was akin to a train wreck. Too juvenile and too simple, especially between Edward and Bella, who seem to go back and forth like an old couple at times.
The only wonderful aspect of Twilight is the visuals and cinematography. The dark color palette and oppressive gloom add to the entire spooky and angsty vibe that the movie desperately attempts to achieve (only succeeding in the visual facet).

I would go into the action parts, but there really wasn't enough for me to particularly enjoy, though I will say the last scene with Evan, the evil tracker vampire, was fun to watch.

Overall, Twilight is just okay. But I don't believe the book was ever meant to be a movie, much less a good one. Never once while I was reading the book did I say, “I hope they make this into a film” because I didn't think it would be compelling as a movie. And in my humble opinion, I was right. But we do have three more movies to go, if Summit decides to keep going with it (which they no doubt will). So, I will read the next three books, and hopefully, they'll be movie material.

Endnote: If you're a fan of the book, you most likely will enjoy the movie. Unless you're like me, in which case you will have incredibly high expectations as you do with every movie you watch and won't settle for anything less, even if you're a fan. I say stick with the Harry Potter franchise, those people got it right.

P.S. Bella does pot. (shown below)

Twilight of the Idols

So often I hear people trying to compare a novel and a film- so often I roll my eyes and try to explain that the two are completely different mediums. A novel can be as bloody long as you like, you can conjure up the most epic, extravagant, amazing scenes you possibly can, in a few words- a book is a medium of infinite potential whereas a movie is often crippled by the variables of cost, length, and the simple fact that it isn't created by just one human being.

Twilight, however seemed to have experienced none of the aforementioned issues- issues that are caused by the fact that a novel is a medium of potentially infinite depth. The book that the movie was based on made such a accurate film because it was shallow and meaningless.

The entire movie was based on generalities and stereotypes of angsty teenagers and their seemingly endless cycle of depression followed by a pedantic epiphany of beauty. Each character was its own soulless pocket of angst- allowing every mindlessly hormone crazed twat out there to relate with overwhelming accuracy.

And then there's the vampires- every single one their own little kind of sexy, overwhelming the poor mindless victim with a constantly pumping hormone IV. The vampires inherently have that wonderful vibe of erotic darkness as is the rule of thumb with vampires, only carving deeper into the heart of the viewer- but they're not too dark, not too erotic (which honestly, after Anne Rice's oversexed vampire erotica I'm glad) they are not only dark, sexy beings, they are also cute! They sparkle in the sunlight! Instead of disintegrating in a violent torrent of pain and glory- like they fucking should.

But wait- there's more! The vampires all have super powers. I have no idea how that shit started where suddenly vampires go from badass Victorian bat people that can control your brain to little pussy creatures with no sense of badassery and an odd ability to read minds, see the future, use super speed, fly, or act in just about any other ridiculous way they like.

The acting all around was less than mediocre- like watching Troy and Clueless back to back. The only actors that I feel did even decently were Bella's father and Carlisle- but even then Bella's father was the same father that exists in every other angsty teenage girl film and thus has no hope of getting praise from me and Carlisle reminded me a bit too much of Tom Cruise- but I like Tom Cruise so Carlisle was a good one. Edward and Bella just wouldn't stop having their fucking twitching lip staring contests and the only thought that Edward's acting brought into my mind was "Do Vampires masturbate?" because if they do there's no way in hell that he would be acting like such a blueball 15 year old twit at his old age of two hundred and something. The rest of the actors don't even deserve to be mentioned.

In short- twilight's entertainment value is the same as that of a pubescent 13 year old girl- there is none- unless you really love being embarrassed again and again by how shallow mankind can be when a simple hormone cocktail is introduced.

The film in two lines:

Edward- Are you afraid?
Bella- I'm only afraid of losing you!

Ps. Here's some pictures of Bella for us all








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