Twilight of the Idols

So often I hear people trying to compare a novel and a film- so often I roll my eyes and try to explain that the two are completely different mediums. A novel can be as bloody long as you like, you can conjure up the most epic, extravagant, amazing scenes you possibly can, in a few words- a book is a medium of infinite potential whereas a movie is often crippled by the variables of cost, length, and the simple fact that it isn't created by just one human being.

Twilight, however seemed to have experienced none of the aforementioned issues- issues that are caused by the fact that a novel is a medium of potentially infinite depth. The book that the movie was based on made such a accurate film because it was shallow and meaningless.

The entire movie was based on generalities and stereotypes of angsty teenagers and their seemingly endless cycle of depression followed by a pedantic epiphany of beauty. Each character was its own soulless pocket of angst- allowing every mindlessly hormone crazed twat out there to relate with overwhelming accuracy.

And then there's the vampires- every single one their own little kind of sexy, overwhelming the poor mindless victim with a constantly pumping hormone IV. The vampires inherently have that wonderful vibe of erotic darkness as is the rule of thumb with vampires, only carving deeper into the heart of the viewer- but they're not too dark, not too erotic (which honestly, after Anne Rice's oversexed vampire erotica I'm glad) they are not only dark, sexy beings, they are also cute! They sparkle in the sunlight! Instead of disintegrating in a violent torrent of pain and glory- like they fucking should.

But wait- there's more! The vampires all have super powers. I have no idea how that shit started where suddenly vampires go from badass Victorian bat people that can control your brain to little pussy creatures with no sense of badassery and an odd ability to read minds, see the future, use super speed, fly, or act in just about any other ridiculous way they like.

The acting all around was less than mediocre- like watching Troy and Clueless back to back. The only actors that I feel did even decently were Bella's father and Carlisle- but even then Bella's father was the same father that exists in every other angsty teenage girl film and thus has no hope of getting praise from me and Carlisle reminded me a bit too much of Tom Cruise- but I like Tom Cruise so Carlisle was a good one. Edward and Bella just wouldn't stop having their fucking twitching lip staring contests and the only thought that Edward's acting brought into my mind was "Do Vampires masturbate?" because if they do there's no way in hell that he would be acting like such a blueball 15 year old twit at his old age of two hundred and something. The rest of the actors don't even deserve to be mentioned.

In short- twilight's entertainment value is the same as that of a pubescent 13 year old girl- there is none- unless you really love being embarrassed again and again by how shallow mankind can be when a simple hormone cocktail is introduced.

The film in two lines:

Edward- Are you afraid?
Bella- I'm only afraid of losing you!

Ps. Here's some pictures of Bella for us all








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